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Monday, June 10, 2013

Day 6: What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

For all my new Bloppy Blogger followers - welcome!! I'm currently doing the 30-day blog challenge (original found here at Kate's blog), although I'm not posting a new blog every day. Unfortunately, today's topic is rather sad and it has taken me a while to get up the courage to write it.

I have two right now, and they're quite the opposite of each other, so they're both the most difficult thing I have yet to deal with in my lifetime. And one of them, the pain isn't quite over yet, so I'll save it for last.

Losing a loved one is at the top of my list. Most everyone has lost a family member at some point in their lives. I've been lucky to have a fairly healthy extended family. However, my personal pain stems from losing my fiancee, Josh, back in 2005. Most of my old-time readers surely had already guessed this, its been mentioned in my blog numerous times before, and I hate rehashing old memories, so I'll keep this brief. I was 20 years old, and only 2 months shy of my 21st birthday. Josh was 28. He suffered from a heart attack and passed away March 8th, 2005. The pain I felt was insurmountable. I had to move out of my apartment, which I'd only been living in for 2 years, and move back in with my parents. I'd also lost my menial cashiering job at the same time, which was actually a blessing because I was in no condition to go to work for a long while. I fell into a depression for about 6 months. I couldn't cope with his loss. Josh was my soul mate. I missed him more than I ever thought I could miss anyone. He was my first and only love. It was extremely difficult to move on. Everything reminded me of him. I, even now, still have a number of cherished items that I keep around; including his Casio keyboard, which I still occasionally play on.

I had a horrible realization after facing something like this, which was: Time does not heal all wounds. You will always have this wound. The pain just becomes duller over time and you learn to deal with it.

This pic doesn't have anything to do with anything,
just a pic I took & wanted to show because it's pretty.

The second one, is my divorce. I'm currently in the midst of it at the moment, and I think the most painful part is yet to come. But I'll mention it now because (in my state) there is a 90-day waiting period before you can finalize a divorce, and these 90 days have been full of ups and downs and yelling and crying and pain. I'm the one who initiated the divorce because our marriage was barely a marriage. He had a drinking problem and was unwilling to acknowledge or change it. We argued constantly. We were never intimate. It was awful. I had to do something because I couldn't keep living like this. We moved into separate spaces because he'd lost his job, our lease was up, and I couldn't afford to stay there with only one income. He decided to join AA, go to school, and show me that he could be better, so it gave me pause for a long time. I tried to make it work in these 90 days, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't love him like I had over 3 years ago before he started drinking. And I feared him falling and I would be stuck with him again in another lease and unable to get away. I couldn't do it. I still can't. But it still hurts like hell, with him continuing to try and tell me to give us another shot, and I'm scared to be alone. It's the most frightening decision I've ever made in my whole life. It's tearing me up inside. I constantly wonder if I'm making the right choice, because if I leave him now I'm going to lose him forever. A completely different - yet the same - loss as above. It's so hard to know if you're ever making the right choices in life.

Sometimes, I guess, you just have to make a blind leap and hope the ground isn't too far away.

1 comment:

  1. So much loss and grief. My heart goes out to you. I'm not sure if that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I do think it makes you wiser. I hope you found ways to know yourself better so you can set yourself up for a brighter future.