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Tuesday, December 30, 2014

What I'm __________ December Edition

EATING: I've been munching on these Morning Star Veggie Burgers from Costco. They smell like hash browns, and are filled with all types of healthy goodies. They're pretty tasty, actually. I chose them because I'm trying to get as much protein in my diet as possible while keeping my fat intake fairly low, which is kind of hard with something like a cheeseburger. These veggie burgers still have 20 grams of protein, so that's pretty epic. I've been slowly dropping weight just by changing up my diet!

DRINKING: My first time trying Stumptown coffee recently thanks to a referral from a friend of mine. Since I drink the Guatemala Antigua coffee from Starbucks, I thought I'd try their Guatemala Bella Vista as my first whole bean purchase.
...It's gross. The flavor profile is so drastically different from anything I've ever tried before. That and there's this skin on the coffee beans called "chaff". Apparently, the lighter and slower you roast the beans, the less likely the chaff will fly off in the process. It gets stuck in the seam of the beans and then when it's ground up I have flakes of it all in my coffee. I was told by Stumptown that this does not affect the flavor... but I've read that even having a dry filter in your coffee pot (not that I use one but I digress) can affect the flavor of the coffee, so how can this not? I'm not impressed. I won't give up, not yet. But it did cost me $17 for this 12oz bag of coffee that I don't even want to drink, now. Kind of disappointing. I will go for a simple house blend next.

WATCHING: Star Trek: The Next Generation binging. On Season 6 out of 7 right now. Also, Northern Exposure. My recent trip over to Roslyn had me wondering about this show. After my parents told me it was funny and they liked it, I decided to grab the entire series. I haven't gotten very far yet, but it looks promising.

Wow, so 90's

LISTENING TO: Krewella. I had one song by her already for a while "Live For The Night", which I actually mentioned in a previous "What I'm" post. I decided to see if I liked anything else of hers, and lo and behold: success. I found three more songs. One of them was super dubstep-y, so I cut out about a minute of it, and the other two are actually great. She's got a wonderful voice. Krewella - Alive

READING: Nothing good. I accidentally bought book two of one I already read that wasn't so great, called The Soul Seekers by Alison Noel. They're cool if you're into Native American type magick (that's how they spell it) and all that jazz, but I'm really not. I'm going to buy all the Terry Goodkind Sword of Truth novels though, since they were my ex-husband's books originally, and re-read those again, for the third time!

WRITING: Why do I even include this section anymore? I've been on a dry spell for months. I wish I could find my groove again.

DOING: You know, I was going to write something here; a brief synopsis of all the stuff I've been up to lately, but there's too much! Time for a separate blog post! In addition to all that junk, I've started an Aikido class. (For God's sake, don't ask me what that is; I've been questioned at least 5 times already by different people. I've added a link for convenience!) It's pretty darn cool. Once I get more into it I'll write a blog post on it, but so far I've only done three classes. More to come!

Saturday, December 27, 2014

I Unlocked My Code

Dating is almost like an experiment. Well, it is an experiment, but on yourself. When you're with somebody else, when you put yourself in situations that are not normal, you are told things about yourself from your observers. And through deductive reasoning, you begin to figure yourself out.

I realized recently that in certain situations, I am extremely unobservant. But there was a deeper meaning behind this observation (notice the irony here?). I believe I am unobservant because I am introverted, and in specific situations when there is a lot of outward stimuli, I will not and can not notice everything that goes on around me. I figured this out on a date with Derek a few weeks back.

Case in point: Foundation Nightclub. They were playing a band that he was fond of and that I didn't particularly care for. I was there because of him, for him. The first time I had come here, the place was crowded, but you could still move. This time, it was much worse. People were pressed up against one another. I was constantly being pushed around. I had earplugs so as not to damage my hearing. It was all I could do to focus on the music and try to dance. I stared hard at the stage. I barely noticed anything else around me unless I got bumped or stepped on or had to move. Half way through the set I had to take a 5 minute reprieve in the bathroom just to breathe.

After it was over, Derek began talking about all the things he saw. People dumping their ice or cups on the floor when they were done with their drinks. A guy basically choking his girlfriend as they danced (and she apparently enjoying it). People noticing me and sometimes trying to dance with me (it really is hard to tell, since we're all crushed together). A guy basically fingering his girlfriend to the point where security was going to intervene.

I had to stop and just think for a moment. All of that had gone on around me and I'd had no idea. I was focusing on just getting through it. And I realized that I tend to focus on things. On a single thing, or a single event. Depending on the situation, two emotions will emerge. I will either be excited about it, or I will be anxious. I can focus on one thing: ice skating. Above all else, I wanted to go ice skating with Derek. It never happened obviously, but I am still focused on it. Okay, Derek is out of the picture. I still want to go ice skating. Now I want to go to the Columbia River Gorge. I'm pissed that I had to cancel my trip. But I'm going to focus on getting there at some point.

I focus on these things and I can get super excited. I'm like a kid in a candy store. It's all I can think about. And then there's the opposite. I can get anxious. I got anxious when Derek was going to show up at the nightclub and meet Mary for the first time. I focused on this future event. I couldn't stop thinking about it, and it was causing a negative feedback loop.

It's a very introverted concept to be internal. Your brain has the solution before it even formulates the idea. It is already convinced about what will happen, and if the outcome will be beneficial. You end up asking yourself "What's the point?" all the time. And sometimes this stops you from even trying. I really don't know the point of all this besides just getting all this out on "paper". At least I know a little bit more about myself than I did before!

Monday, December 22, 2014

It was Good While it Lasted

It shouldn't hurt this much, I suppose, but I'm not surprised that it does. Derek and I broke up. It was a semi-mutual agreement that sucked for both of us. I say semi-mutual because neither one of us wanted to end it, but the distance was too great. From Tacoma to Everett, which is about 1hr 10 minutes when there's no traffic, was just too much of a hurdle, both time-wise and financially. It was basically like having a long distance relationship, especially with his constantly busy schedule. We barely saw each other once a week sometimes.

I was planning a road trip for this weekend. It was going to be a turning point in our relationship and we both knew it. We were hoping for it. We had decided that this was what our relationship needed in order to develop those deep, emotional feelings. We had been on "casual" status for the last 3 months; Derek not willing to commit fully when we had such a great distance between us and we barely knew each other.

So Derek calls me up Sunday night, fully intending on just talking about the trip and other random things, but the conversation turned to "how are we going to do this?" We'd both already thought long and hard about it. Derek could ride the train. I could drive up there on weekdays. We went through it all. But in the end, we knew it wasn't going to be enough. Derek's lease was up in March, mine in April. But neither one of us were willing to budge about moving so much closer. Derek's family, and his friends (which, being a full-on extrovert means just as much to him as family. It's his identity.)  were up in Everett. He worked in Seattle. And I had the same issues, plus a mark on my rental history that made it harder to find another place. Logically, we knew we couldn't keep doing this, even though our hearts were screaming for it not to end.

He even told me that if I wanted, we could still do the road trip. Because I had planned so long and hard, and we were both looking forward to it. And my heart was jumping at it. But we both knew that in the end, it would just make things harder; and with "the end is near" looming over our heads, how much fun could we really have, knowing that we would spend this time and then never see each other again?

Leave it to Derek to be so incredibly sweet even when breaking up with me. He told me how great I was, and how I deserve better. That I deserve a boyfriend that will be there for me when I needed him. He told me that I was wonderful girlfriend material, and coming from him that really meant something. He said that he knew I would find somebody quickly, somebody that lived closer and could be there for me.

And I'm not angry. Yes, 3 months is a long time to "string me along" but that was never his intention. After all, I could have ended it just as easily.  At first he'd really thought we could do this. And for a while, we were just having fun and enjoying each other company. But he knew that nothing would change even as our feelings grew, and that would just make things harder on us in the end.

The first thing that comes to mind is to thank him. Derek opened up my world; opened up my mind. Gave me insight into myself and cracked my shell wide open. Showed me things I never even knew were possible. God, he was so funny, just by being himself. He never even tried to, but he made me laugh. That I will miss the most. He wasn't perfect by any means, and maybe I was looking at things through rose-colored glasses. There was a good chance it wouldn't have lasted anyway, so it was good to end things now rather than later.

That doesn't make it hurt any less.

Friday, December 12, 2014

I'm All up-in Doin' Stuff

If you follow my blog posts at all, you may have a noticed a general lack of... doing stuff. I'm not much of a stuff-doer. I'm introverted, so I enjoy spending time alone. After work I mainly relax by watching TV, facebooking (this is how I raise my social bar. Think The Sims), writing, reading, art, etc.

This Sim is either currently going to the bathroom or peeing their pants.
And eating at the same time, apparently.

But dating people gets me out doing things. Sure, occasionally I'll spend time with my friends and we go out to a bar, or bowling, or something equally boring. But thanks to Derek I've been doing all these things that I've A. Never done before or B. Haven't done in many, many years. These things include:

1. Going to a Gala
2. Go-Karts
3. Ice Skating
4. Road Trip
5. Night Club

I guess I never really knew what a "road trip" was. I was thinking of it in a logical sense of "I'm on a road, taking a trip". My idea of a road trip was planning an end game and reaching your destination in order to do it. Apparently that's not the consensual definition. When Derek planned the last trip I was basically thinking What the heck is this?, but not really in a negative way. It was kind of fun. Now I'm planning the next one!

The Gala was interesting. It was a fund raiser for an organization called Communities in Schools, which Derek supports by being a committee member. Although in years past it had been a black tie/evening gown affair, this year it wasn't. It was "come dressed in your work clothes, we're holding it in a cramped distillery." Derek was none-to-impressed. I was absolutely relieved that I didn't have to dress up in an evening gown. 3-inch heels on a cement floor with no where to sit all night was not conducive to a good time though, regardless.

There isn't much to say about the Go-Karts. For some reason I remember doing it as a kid several years ago but I have no idea if this is true or not. (I asked mom, who promptly remembered how I fell off the bumper boats and into the water. Not the same, mom. Not the same.) Derek lapped me twice. My problem was that I kept thinking of the go-karts in 3-dimensional terms. What I mean by that is if you were in a regular car trying to careen around these corners, you would surely flip over. Hugging the ground generally eliminates that possibility but I was still being very conservative. Each lap was a bit better, at least. It was pretty fun, and I would most definitely do it again some day.

The Ice Skating, which I haven't done since I was probably 5 years old and did nothing but scoot around 1/4 of the wall and quit; I haven't done yet. Hopefully this weekend - that's the plan! I'll keep you all posted!