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Thursday, March 29, 2012

A Change in the Right Direction?

Arguing with my Husband is exhausting and pointless. We never get anywhere when we argue, and our screaming matches can last for hours. We have hurt many pieces of furniture in our anger, and let me tell you, custom interior doors are not as cheap as you think. We are both stubborn, and unfortunately, I beat him out on this trait. I am unforgiving and relentless. I don't care how long the argument lasts - I will go at it until I win. See, Justin and I are very different, but in a lot of ways we are the same. All I care about is who is right, and all he cares about is who is wrong. When I told him that he had no tact, and that I get angry when he blurts out "you are wrong" without approaching the situation with more tact, his argument is "well, then how do I tell you that you're wrong, then?". Of course, figuring out that who is right and who is wrong isn't important, can be challenging. And unfortunately, these are not few-and-far-between fights. They're once a month, at least. We both need to learn some things, and it's definitely not one-sided. Justin wants to solve the problem right that minute, and most of the time, I don't. But, he doesn't see that. He'll block my way; force a confrontation. And I shut down. Because all I want is space and time to cool off. But I'm usually the one that keeps the fight going too. I will say things and do things that make him madder, because I can. I don't know why. I take a long time to cool off. I stew, and I grudge a little. For about 24 hours normally. And I never admit when I'm wrong. That, I will probably never figure out. Because one thing that Justin is good at, after he's gone through his yelling and blocking me phases, is calming down and admitting he was wrong, even if he wasn't.

I want to try something new, but gosh it is so difficult to change, especially when you're angry and in an argument. I would have tried it yesterday during our most recent spat (ha, spat), but I completely forgot. And even if I don't forget, it's hard to want to do it. I can't help being the way that I am when I'm just sooo angry. I just get so damned angry.
I'm pulling the idea from Fifty Shades of Grey. Yes, I've been reading that series but it's not what you think. Not exactly, anyway. Just like in writing, I see ideas that I can mold and make into my own ideas. Now, the book (well, the first one anyway) is based upon a dominant and submissive. This is the first book I've read like this, and it gave me an idea I'm hoping I can implement. Perhaps I can be a version of my own submissive. I don't mean for everything. The man can't demand sexual favors from me, or tell me to do something that is inappropriate or wrong or illegal. However, what if, during a heated argument, I just... give up? Do what he wants? It goes against every fiber of my being. I want to fight. I want to defend myself. I want to scream and yell and get my point across. But, it also causes these damn arguments. If I can learn to take a breath, and just do as he asks (whether he tells me to "shut the hell up", or when he asks me a question, just to answer him no matter how ridiculous it sounds, or whatever it is) our arguments may not exist. I don't know, I'm willing to give it a shot, if I can remember to do it while in battle. ("FIGHT!").
Oh, and for the skeptics out there, I know that Justin would not take advantage of this. He's not that way, trust me. We've lived together for almost 6 years, and married for almost 3 of that. All he wants is the fight to end, and for us to be happy. We butt heads a LOT. This is nor normal. So, I'm hoping I can get this to work. I have to climb a pretty large wall to get my ego to shut up. I'll just be calm, quiet, downcast, and hope the fight blows over. What do y'all think?

Sunday, March 25, 2012

I had an ephiphany

For the people that really know me, they may have figured this out long ago, I'm not sure. (And if you didn't tell me, shame on you!) However, I discovered who I really am last Friday night.
Going off on a tangent for a second, I'd like your opinion on this: Mom and I were talking on Friday, and I told her how I never want to go out and do things by myself. I can sit at home all day and do things meant for one person (read, write, draw, paint etc) but to go out of the apartment and really have fun by myself? Never. Or rarely. These things include eating at a restaurant alone (say a new place opened up that looks really divine, but it's some wacky weird Indian place or Greek and Justin refuses to go. Or can't, because he always has to be in bed by like, 6pm), or a new movie comes out that you really want to see, but nobody else does (I run into this on occasion because I have barely 2 friends that live near me). Of even something like a cool new store opening up across town. I've actually done this one, but it's not often I would really care enough to check it out by myself. I'd really like to have company. Okay, so the opinion part. Mom thinks this is normal to be stifled by what other people think of you doing these things alone (especially eating at a restaurant; I would never EVER do this.) because she is the same way. But, Janet and I disagree. (Janet is my uncle's gf and we're friends, however, she's even older than my mum lol) We think that most people, if tempted enough, will do all of these things alone and not care a lick about what other people think. So, I'm curious! Let me know in the comments.
Okay, so anyway, onto my epiphany. (No sorry, that was not it - I already knew I was this way lol).
I realized that I don't like to think. (No wonder it took me this long to figure it out!). I've been this way at least since high school (graduating class 2002) and never really realized it. I classified myself as lazy. But lazy is more of a physical condition, not a mental one. Because I was not lazy about schoolwork, or PE (A for effort). I was a straight-A student, save math, and that was because (I believe) there is intense thinking involved. You have to work at it. And I've never been good at math, I know this. I'm right-brained and enjoy the creative side of life. Numbers don't stick in my head at all, and addition is still something I have to think about - I've never actually learned to memorize that 6+7= 13. I have to add it in my head. Every time. Also having calculators and phones as calculators doesn't help my case. But anyway, I digress.
In HS, my biology teacher (who I was friends with) graded on the curve. And everybody hated me because she offered extra credit, and I was always at the top of my class at like, 108% lol. She had told me numerous times to go into Honors Biology. It was time in everybody's HS career that if they wanted into a good college, to take honors courses. But I never did. I didn't want to work that hard. I liked my easy A's. And I got an A regardless of whether or not I liked the class (I hated History and economics and similar classes, but that didn't stop me from acing them). Again, I attributed it to laziness. Besides, I had no intention of going to college, which I'm sure my parents were sweating about because they couldn't really afford to help me pay for any of it. And again, the factor of being alone, away from my parents scared me. I am not the independent sort. My parents live pretty far away from society, especially from things like [even] community colleges, so living at home would have been out of the question anyway. Although, I did end up taking a 47-day course at Bates for cashiering. (Yeah, you heard right. They have a course on being a cashier. Hell, it got me into Kmart, but then again, they'll hire anybody.)
[Side note: I believe I am one of those rare cases were I could have screwed my way through HS like most teens and it would not have affected my life in the slightest. By the time I got into my career as medical records, I had taken another 3 month tech college course for Medical Billing and temped my way up to a hire-able position with experience under my belt. Only took me 6 years]
Okay, ANYWAY...
Justin likes to strategize. He will play games to challenge the mind. He likes chess, Pinochle, Starcraft, League of Legends, and most definitely, Portal. And although watching him play Portal is pretty entertaining, I would never be able to do it myself. Mom plays those mystery Nancy Drew-type first person computer games that can get pretty hard to figure out. She will print the walkthrough to help her through the toughest parts. Me, on the other hand, prefer RPG's (computer and video games) and I bought the walkthrough to Xenosaga because you do not buy an RPG to think. I didn't want to deal with that shit. So, when it came time to "active these in order" or "step on these tiles or die" etc, I turned to the book without even so much as a first attempt. Because I didn't buy a freaking puzzle game. People's biggest complaint with Final Fantasy XIII, was the fact that it was too linear. (First, I had to ask Justin what that meant, exactly, and when he told me, I was like "Well damn, I thought all RPG's were like that - I like that!"). Because in a game where you can only go one way and there is no "exploration" I am perfectly cool with. That way, I don't spend hours being lost or trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do next. I just want to play. 
So, in conclusion, I think knowing that I don't like to think is a big part of figuring out who I am and I'm pretty proud of it. I don't like it, but I'm glad I know. Justin and I were already pretty different people, and he's been telling me for the last 5 years that I don't like to strategize, but it never really stuck how much so, and how much it has really affected me throughout my life.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Raising awareness of dyspareunia

This blog post may be a little TMI for some folks. If you know what dyspareunia is and will continue reading (I promise not to be too graphic) then great. If you don't know what it is, well hell, that's what I'm here for, and here's a link:

Yeah okay, link clicking probably not necessary.
So, if you're still here, I want to start off with that I kind of want to write a book about this, but I don't really have enough experience, so I'll go with the blog. (And I don't mean experience in publishing. More on this later).

Having dyspareunia is a life-altering diagnosis. It can ruin relationships and make you feel like crap. If you read the link, you'll remember that there are different reasons for having dyspareunia. Basically there are two if it's on-going: One, there's something physically wrong with you, or two, you might have psychological issues. I'd bet I'd ring at number two, since my paps are normal and I've had a CT of the abdomen.
But, this is getting a little off-subject. What I really wanted to talk about was the relationship-altering part. Sex bombards us every day. What pleases our partners, how much sex to have each week, how it helps relationships to have more sex yadda yadda. Your typical guy will think about sex, what was it, every 6 seconds? And probably want it 3 times a week, or at the very least once a week. Go much beyond that and they're screaming at you. Oh, the stress of it all is killing me. Cuz sex is a stress-reliever, you know.

With me, and probably with a lot of women that suffer along with me, I could care less about sex. A psychologist would probably tell me that when sex is painful, it causes a negative reaction to it (duh). Makes you want it less, and you fear it will be painful every time you try, so you try less. Somebody tell me, what guy would want to marry a woman like that? (Well, Justin did, which I love him dearly for his patience and understanding because our sex life has like, been on vacation for months. In fact, Sex lives more in Barbados now than it does here, and it's more like a vacation when it comes back.)
Painful intercourse, for me at least, is not guaranteed 100% of the time, although it's in the majority. I'd say 70% of the time it's painful, 20% of the time it's more like a numbness where it's like "I know you're there, but I got nothin", and the other 10% it's normal and feels good and yay! But that's only 10% of the time. Not very good odds.

And that brings me back to the lack of experience part. These numbers, although fairly accurate in there standings, are based upon sex that happens once every 3 months or some damn thing, with one partner. I've only had 2 in my life, so to write a book based on the fact that "typical guys hate dyspareunia and will never marry you" would not be very accurate. But, this is what I believe. It makes sense to me. You tell a guy upfront about it, he'll probably never call you for that second date, if he understands what it really entails. You wait until it's time for sex (which, let's face it, at this day in age is about date #3. But, since I've never dated I probably shouldn't be spouting off random numbers.) By date #3, you don't know if he's marrying material, and besides the fact that I'd probably never have sex with a guy that soon, it's just too early for the guy to be so head-over-heals in love with you that he just doesn't care about your dyspareunia.
And yes, of course, there are gems like Justin, who obviously doesn't like it, but is basically okay with it. There are probably more guys out there like that than I think. After all, I've never been on the dating scene, so I shouldn't be writing this at all, really. I mean, I found Justin so what the hell am I complaining about?
I'm just letting people know that it sucks. It really sucks. It's a vicious cycle that even our relationship, as patient as it is, can't handle. Yes, sex brings you closer to your companion. You share; you experience together. Without it, it's like a gaping hole. It's more like being roommates where you just happen to sleep in the same bed. Because, like I said above, dyspareunia is caused by, and can cause, psychological issues. I'm sure my issues came before the dyspareunia, as I always had a low self-image and self-esteem. But I think the  expectation of pain during sex can cause more pain. Also, I believe it has severely lowered my libido, which I guess I can count as a blessing as wanting sex and not being able to have it might be worse.

Is dyspareunia a relationship killer? Maybe, maybe not. You might marry a guy that says he's perfectly okay with it, but two years down the line you're at each other's throats and you don't know why. And suddenly, lacking sex is in the forefront. Everybody that's anybody says that sex is meaningful and important. If you can't have sex, even if it's just not as often as your partner would like, you may be in for a surprise a few years down the line.