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Sunday, March 25, 2012

I had an ephiphany

For the people that really know me, they may have figured this out long ago, I'm not sure. (And if you didn't tell me, shame on you!) However, I discovered who I really am last Friday night.
Going off on a tangent for a second, I'd like your opinion on this: Mom and I were talking on Friday, and I told her how I never want to go out and do things by myself. I can sit at home all day and do things meant for one person (read, write, draw, paint etc) but to go out of the apartment and really have fun by myself? Never. Or rarely. These things include eating at a restaurant alone (say a new place opened up that looks really divine, but it's some wacky weird Indian place or Greek and Justin refuses to go. Or can't, because he always has to be in bed by like, 6pm), or a new movie comes out that you really want to see, but nobody else does (I run into this on occasion because I have barely 2 friends that live near me). Of even something like a cool new store opening up across town. I've actually done this one, but it's not often I would really care enough to check it out by myself. I'd really like to have company. Okay, so the opinion part. Mom thinks this is normal to be stifled by what other people think of you doing these things alone (especially eating at a restaurant; I would never EVER do this.) because she is the same way. But, Janet and I disagree. (Janet is my uncle's gf and we're friends, however, she's even older than my mum lol) We think that most people, if tempted enough, will do all of these things alone and not care a lick about what other people think. So, I'm curious! Let me know in the comments.
Okay, so anyway, onto my epiphany. (No sorry, that was not it - I already knew I was this way lol).
I realized that I don't like to think. (No wonder it took me this long to figure it out!). I've been this way at least since high school (graduating class 2002) and never really realized it. I classified myself as lazy. But lazy is more of a physical condition, not a mental one. Because I was not lazy about schoolwork, or PE (A for effort). I was a straight-A student, save math, and that was because (I believe) there is intense thinking involved. You have to work at it. And I've never been good at math, I know this. I'm right-brained and enjoy the creative side of life. Numbers don't stick in my head at all, and addition is still something I have to think about - I've never actually learned to memorize that 6+7= 13. I have to add it in my head. Every time. Also having calculators and phones as calculators doesn't help my case. But anyway, I digress.
In HS, my biology teacher (who I was friends with) graded on the curve. And everybody hated me because she offered extra credit, and I was always at the top of my class at like, 108% lol. She had told me numerous times to go into Honors Biology. It was time in everybody's HS career that if they wanted into a good college, to take honors courses. But I never did. I didn't want to work that hard. I liked my easy A's. And I got an A regardless of whether or not I liked the class (I hated History and economics and similar classes, but that didn't stop me from acing them). Again, I attributed it to laziness. Besides, I had no intention of going to college, which I'm sure my parents were sweating about because they couldn't really afford to help me pay for any of it. And again, the factor of being alone, away from my parents scared me. I am not the independent sort. My parents live pretty far away from society, especially from things like [even] community colleges, so living at home would have been out of the question anyway. Although, I did end up taking a 47-day course at Bates for cashiering. (Yeah, you heard right. They have a course on being a cashier. Hell, it got me into Kmart, but then again, they'll hire anybody.)
[Side note: I believe I am one of those rare cases were I could have screwed my way through HS like most teens and it would not have affected my life in the slightest. By the time I got into my career as medical records, I had taken another 3 month tech college course for Medical Billing and temped my way up to a hire-able position with experience under my belt. Only took me 6 years]
Okay, ANYWAY...
Justin likes to strategize. He will play games to challenge the mind. He likes chess, Pinochle, Starcraft, League of Legends, and most definitely, Portal. And although watching him play Portal is pretty entertaining, I would never be able to do it myself. Mom plays those mystery Nancy Drew-type first person computer games that can get pretty hard to figure out. She will print the walkthrough to help her through the toughest parts. Me, on the other hand, prefer RPG's (computer and video games) and I bought the walkthrough to Xenosaga because you do not buy an RPG to think. I didn't want to deal with that shit. So, when it came time to "active these in order" or "step on these tiles or die" etc, I turned to the book without even so much as a first attempt. Because I didn't buy a freaking puzzle game. People's biggest complaint with Final Fantasy XIII, was the fact that it was too linear. (First, I had to ask Justin what that meant, exactly, and when he told me, I was like "Well damn, I thought all RPG's were like that - I like that!"). Because in a game where you can only go one way and there is no "exploration" I am perfectly cool with. That way, I don't spend hours being lost or trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do next. I just want to play. 
So, in conclusion, I think knowing that I don't like to think is a big part of figuring out who I am and I'm pretty proud of it. I don't like it, but I'm glad I know. Justin and I were already pretty different people, and he's been telling me for the last 5 years that I don't like to strategize, but it never really stuck how much so, and how much it has really affected me throughout my life.


  1. don't feel bad, i can't strategize either even if i wanted to.


    1. Ur one to talk, in college for a teaching career lol