30-day Blogging Challenge: A Letter to Someone. Anyone

Day 2: Stuff You're Not Good At
Day 3: Your Top 5 Pet Peeves

Dear Josh,

I wanted to start this letter by saying "Are you watching over me from Heaven?" But being agnostic, it's hard for me to accept or believe that. I don't find comfort in any of it. I remember only a few days after you died, the only thing that made any sense to me was to take a walk at night on my parent's property where the stars were brightly shining, and talk to the heavens as if you could hear me. It was cathartic, even though I didn't believe that you could actually hear anything I said. I remember that I believed you to be a ghost that was hanging around with unfinished business, because that seemed a lot more feasible to me and gave me an excuse to have conversations with you.

I still miss you. I think about you almost every damn day. I wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't been such an idiot and just taken you to the ER when you were sick. I still feel guilty about my choices and how you suffered needlessly. It's been 14 years and I don't think I'll ever be able to let that go. It has become a part of me and my being, and it has helped me sharpen my focus on others.

I do sometimes wonder if you're aware of my happiness, or worry about my future. As logical and scientific as I am, it would be nice to know that your consciousness didn't just fade into the ether. I want you to know that you no longer have to worry about either.

We both believed that we were meant for each other; that we were soulmates. The things we had in common were staggering. We even had the same thoughts at the same time. Our histories were similar, which garnered similar personalities. When you died, I was convinced that I would never find someone as good as you. Someone who could love me just the way I was; with my quirks and all. If you were at all aware of my existence after you passed away, I am certain you were concerned regarding my choices after you died. I've been through some things that were painful, but I've chocked them up to life experience. I had to go through some bumps in the road, but I believe I have finally found what I was seeking.

Josh, I have found your equal. I never thought it would even be possible. It's the knowing. The knowing that I have found my match, my partner, my Number One, despite only having known him for a short while. The connection I feel is remarkable. It is like nothing I have felt with anyone else since your death. Every other love felt forced. This feels 100% natural; as easy as breathing, just as it was with you.

I've never been this happy. He treats me right, Josh. Just know that even though you are no longer here with me, I'm still being taken care of. I will never stop loving you, but I have made room in my heart for another, and I know you would approve.

Rest in Peace, my Joshie.

Love,

Kat

Am I the only one?

This is me reaching out to other people that have lost loved ones/spouses in the past many years ago. I'm reaching out to see if others experience this as well.

I keep dreaming about Josh (short blurb here for those who don't know). It's been more than 10 years since his passing but it seems as though my unconscious brain has not given up hope of being reunited in some way. At this point, I think I've dreampt up every feasible way of being reunited with him; from him faking his own death, to being reincarnated, to last night, actually taking the lock of hair that I had saved and used his DNA to clone him. The funny thing is my brain is trying to rationalize it somehow because if you know me, you know that I'm a logical thinker and require explanations for everything. 

And don't get me wrong, I don't mind dreaming about my Joshie at all; and generally speaking, when I think back on the dream I had, I was not unhappy or sad in it. But I sure as hell am sad/disappointed after I wake up. It's no fun to be yanked out of the reality you built for yourself, especially when it includes a deceased loved one.

I just wonder if anybody else does this? 10+ years later, are you still dreaming of someone who has passed on? Is your brain trying to rationalize their death, or trying to explain how they suddenly came back to life (wishful thinking)? Is this normal?

I'm starting to wonder if it's because I believe that we were soul mates, and maybe it means something significant whenever I dream about him. I don't know. Does this mean that I haven't really moved on? Somehow I don't think that's the case because my brain certainly knows it. It's using his DNA to clone him ffs. Obviously I know he's gone.

Anyway, let me know in the comments please! I hope I'm not alone, here.