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Saturday, March 16, 2013

This One Thing About Me...

There's a part of me, of my personality, that I didn't realize I even had until recently. I learn more about myself almost every day it seems, and it's actually strange to still be in discovery about it. But I'm to the point where I can openly admit it, and that can sometimes be a very tough thing to do.

I'm clingy.

We're talking static electricity. Laundry lint. Cat hair. Magnets.

Since I haven't been in very many relationships, it was hard to know this about myself at first. And then I denied it for a while, of course. The strange thing is that it happened with Justin and not only did I not realize it (and/or thought it was perfectly normal) but Justin wasn't completely put off by it either. Why, I don't know. Smothering someone usually pushes them away pretty quickly. 

I had many excuses for my behavior. Obviously, when you're in love with someone, you can get attached. You want to spend time with them, learn everything about them etc. But there is a fine line that can be crossed. My other excuse was that because of my late fiancee's death, only slightly longer than a year before meeting Justin, I was scared of losing the person I was with. Afraid that he might disappear. 

Things moved very quickly with Justin. I think I was filling a void left in my heart. Justin and I never really dated, per se. I think he had officially moved into my apartment within a month of us meeting in person. If my family found this odd or disturbing, I don't remember it. They probably did. We may have even had talks about it, I don't know. But Justin and I talked on the phone every day when we were away from each other. I wanted to spend every waking moment with him. I wanted to go everywhere with him. And he just went along for the ride. I didn't see it then, and I didn't realize it until I noticed a pattern happening with someone else. I was doing it again - except this time I was pushing him away, and it was the last thing in the world that I wanted to do.

This person... whom some of you know but most of you don't, is my friend. And I cling to him because he has been my only real friend throughout this mess of a separation with Justin.

Honestly... it's like an addiction of sorts. Not only do I want to talk to him constantly, but I almost feel as if I need to. It's hard to explain without going into more detail, but I don't want to share everything (shocking, right?). A couple of you already know the situation I am in. In any case, I find him extremely easy to talk to, he makes me laugh, and he's always been there for me when I needed a friend. 

And unfortunately, he's too nice to tell me to back the F off.

I finally figured it out for myself through some serious self-reflection (and a worried chat with my parents who can obviously see through the veil). I have to tell myself that I don't always need to talk to him. I can do other things. I have hobbies. I have TV I can watch. And I have to tell myself that if I keep being clingy, I will lose him. He says that I won't, but I know he doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

I'm trying, and it's more difficult than you might imagine. Mostly due to the situation I am in. I am his friend, not his girlfriend. He can take care of himself. He's been fine without me and will continue to be fine without me. I need to let go. I need to back off. These are things I must constantly tell myself. Slowly but surely, I'm releasing my vice grip, but only because I've seen how that grip affects him and it's hurting me deeply. 

I will always be there for him. I want to help him in any way I possibly can. But I still need to keep my distance. A friend's distance. 

He's a very important person in my life and I don't want to lose him. 

I can do this. 

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