They say that when you stop looking, you will find what you need. I hadn't necessarily been looking; in fact, I was content in my solitude for the most part. I also knew that, despite movies like Isn't It Romantic, the odds of running into my soulmate by dropping papers on the ground and him helping to pick them up, and our eyes locking, and next thing you know we're getting married - kind of a stretch, right?
So I knew that even though I felt pretty happy about my singleness, I wasn't exactly averse to dating again. I just never felt like putting forth the effort it required to get back into the game - until I saw an ad for a dating website called geek2geek. It's one of those things you find that you never knew you needed until you see it. This was exactly what I was looking for. Being a total geek at heart, I knew that if I found someone with similar interests then we would probably mesh very well. However, after I made a profile I didn't really do anything with it. I took the approach of "they will find me", and it wasn't necessarily because I was lazy or scared, but because I was still content with my alone time. I took the mentality of the "stop looking" advice and just let it be. I don't believe in fate in the slightest; I don't think our lives are already running on a predetermined route that can not be altered by events. I do believe that we have control of our own destinies.
When I got a message (my first one, after being on the site for probably a month), I'll admit - I hesitated in answering for a couple of days. But then I decided to give it a shot because why not? He seemed nice. He loved Star Trek. Played World of Warcraft. One date would certainly not hurt. And it was because of this decision in my life that everything shifted 180 degrees.
Have you ever heard the saying "when you know, you know"?
I know.
Never in my life have I known this much. Not since Josh.
The connection we have was almost instantaneous. It has only grown since our first meeting. It's the kind of thing that makes you wonder if soulmates exist, or whether or not you might have more than one in your lifetime. Granted, we are still in the "honeymoon phase" I suppose, and who knows how long that will last, but I feel as though we have a very solid foundation to build on. I'm excited to see where this goes.
It's amazing what you find when you stop looking, huh?
For the uninitiated, GAD is "Generalized Anxiety Disorder". Sounds pretty epic, right? I mean, it's so idiopathic that I don't even freak out over specific things, just everything!
Well, this may not be true. Most of the time my life is pretty plain-jane. I know, or am aware at the very least, of a couple of people with GAD, and I know I'm not as bad as them. I think what it comes down to is that I have a routine in life, and when it gets thrown for a loop I kind of freak out.
There are certain things in life where logic takes control and I can handle it just fine. For example, when our cat Sammy ran out the front door one day and no one noticed for at least 5 hours. We lived in an apartment complex with a greenbelt behind it, I knew logically that's where Sammy would hide. It was Justin that was freaking out, wanting to bang on neighbors doors at 10pm, while I was just calmly trying to make a lost poster. Knowing Sammy because I was the one that found him initially, he scares easy but once he gets hungry enough, he ventures out in search of food. I knew he would do that again, and I was right. Justin had called me cold-hearted because I wasn't freaking out and crying like he was.
I knew that beginning the step of dating again after my divorce would put a kink in my normal, everyday life. What I didn't realize was how much it would affect me.
I've never really dated. My history is pretty pathetic for a 30 year old woman. And "casual dating"? Whoa, hold your horses. I've never done that. What do I do? How do I act? How far can I go?
I'm constantly guessing and second guessing almost everything I do and say. I've already been (chastised probably isn't the right word but I don't know what else to call it) when I share too much. The guy I'm currently seeing knows what the hell he's doing, and I'm not sure if that makes things better or worse for me.
I'm also guessing and second guessing everything he says. Not because I think he's lying, but because woman vs. man. I keep trying to tell myself that what he says is what he means, and what he means is what he says. That hasn't lessened my anxiety about everything. I am so out of my element here that I don't know how to cope.
My workmates can feel the anxiety wafting off of me like so much bad cheese. I told them that I would stop asking for their advice, but it didn't seem to matter because my anxiety is pretty much palpable. I will stop asking anyways; it seems to have gotten me "in trouble" because I took two people's advice and received conflicting information. I have to be able to handle this myself, even if I feel incapable of doing so. It is the only way I will learn. I just hope the guy I'm dating understands.
