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Sunday, November 6, 2016

I Feel Stuck

I'm not here to put blame on anyone or anything but myself, but I'm feeling very stuck in my life. The thing is, is that I don't want to change it, or I don't care to, and I'm okay with it.
But I'm watching everyone around me advance, and it gives me that stuck feeling.

I'm watching friends of mine find loves, either get married or know that they will, save up money to buy a house; some of them will have children and some of them won't, and I'm still here doing and being the same thing I've always been. And that's where I feel different... I don't want to change my situation because I don't want to necessarily be them. Not only do I not want children or care about having a stupid white picket fence; but I don't want to own a house either.

My point is, it's not that my friends' are buying houses and possibly having children, but it's that they're growing and moving and not being stagnant. 

I know I could change this situation if I wanted to. I know that I could go back to school, get out of the job I'm in (where in a couple of years I will reach my salary cap) and move up a little bit. But I won't. To be honest, I don't have the gumption to change that drastically; to get into massive debt by going to even a trade school, to get more money to pay off that debt. It doesn't seem logical to me. To use up all of my free time to sit in a hole of debt for years. I am comfortable where I am... I make enough to support myself and basically buy what I want in life. The apartment that I live in is very nice and more importantly, close to work/stuff and very secure.

I've spent almost 7 years at Franciscan, now. I've established loyalty with them, as in - fully vested. I'm putting money into their 401k, have money in their 403b (which is inactive right now), gained retirement benefits. The problem with rooting yourself in the healthcare industry as a non healthcare professional, is there are only so many options to move up. Franciscan will help you pay for school if it requires a degree, which means becoming a CNA, LPN, RN, ARNP or physician. I have no interest in this, so they'll be no help. Any school I do will be out of my own pocket.

I'm also not interested in stress. The other day I was stressed at work because Brenda called out sick and I was the only one on phones. There was no clinic, but there was a lot of stuff I had to do. My supervisor tells me that one of her people was sitting in Gig Harbor right now, answering phones and checking in 30+ people all by herself, and looked at me like I was retarded. What she doesn't understand is that stress is different for different people. I don't handle stress well because I'm never stressed. I've never had to build up a tolerance for stress. I don't have children running around my house, and animals to take care of (sans gerbils). I don't often have to make life-altering decisions, or have to deal with a vehicle that only runs half the time. And I don't believe that getting into a position where if I were to make more money - which ultimately means more stress - is for me.

Here's the truth, and if anyone I'm dating reads this, don't fret too hard because this isn't anything I'd make a life-altering decision over: It would be nice to marry into stuff. Not necessarily marry rich, but just find somebody that already has the stuff. The house, the job. The nice stuff. Of course I wouldn't choose one person over another because of stuff; I've already proven that I don't care [about that] with my past relationships. But it would just be nice. Does that make me entitled and lazy? I don't know. Maybe in another couple of years when my raises stop coming, I'll decide to change my course. But I just can't convince myself to do anything about it right now, even though everyone around me is growing. It just makes me kind of sad.

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