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Sunday, October 23, 2016

Into the Mind of Anxiety and Shyness

Getting into the mind of someone with anxiety and shyness can be difficult for some people to understand. I'm going to write about this now because I currently have less than an hour before I have to head off to a party.

A party that my boss's friend is throwing at her house.
With about 100 people.
Most of them her family.
And this particular boss is not fond of me.

I'm pretty sure I was only invited because the entire clinic was. It wouldn't be fair to single some of us out, you know?

So anyway, lets delve into the mind of an anxiously [introverted] shy person.

What if I can't find the house? (I'm using google navigation)
Where am I going to park? What's that situation going to be like with 100 people?
What if I get trapped in a space and I want to go home?

Most of the time I freak out about arriving too early, but I'm a compulsively early person because I hate being late. Even though logically I know I should probably arrive a bit later, I will probably be one of the first people there, which will make things even more awkward, especially if none of my other co-workers are there yet. And then my car might get trapped behind someone else's car. It's inevitable.

I'm going to just stand in a corner and not talk to anybody. I'll find Beverly or someone else to latch onto and follow them around so I won't look awkward and lonely being by myself.

I'm wearing my boots for style but I definitely won't be able to stand in them all night.

I hate it when there's nowhere to sit.

Will there be food? I'm probably going to be hungry. I hope I like it. 

I wonder how fancy it's going to be. I'm not a very fancy person.

I just painted my nails and they look very unclean around the edges.

There better not be party games. Oh god.

I can't embarrass myself if I don't talk to anyone. Please don't make me talk to anyone.

I'm going to be meeting my boss's family. This is creepy as f*ck.

Dr. Saffari and Dr. Bidus is going to be there too. Just greeeeaaaaat.

I'm going to need some alcohol to loosen up but I'm driving. So I'm either going to allow myself one drink, or stay there for a really long time.

I wonder how long I need to stay before leaving becomes acceptable.

This isn't going to be a dinner, is it? Oh god.

There better be somewhere to sit.

Where's the bathroom? I'm too embarrassed to ask anyone. But I really have to pee. Why did I drink all that water?

I have to mentally prepare for a lot of people and a lot of cacophony. My brain can't stand cacophony. 

My head hurts.

I'm freaking out about embarrassing myself. I can't even explain how this might be accomplished, but it's 110% likely.

I'm going to be highly anxious and completely dead bored at the same time since I won't be participating in anything or talking to anyone. It's a very strange mix.

Breathe, just breathe.

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