In dire need of vacuum replacement

I finally broke down and bought a new vacuum cleaner a few days ago. I owned a hoover elite rewind for a while, and when that finally broke almost exactly a year ago, I couldn't really afford a replacement at the time. My parent's friend happened to have an old (very old) Hoover elite and donated it to my cause. It worked like a charm. Old, but efficient. And then, our roommate (at the time), who was also an alcoholic and sometimes would vomit right in his bed, would also sometimes not make it to the bathroom in time. In these couple of instances, he used my pretty little hoover to vacuum up his vomit. Yes, you read right.
Vacuum up his vomit.
And I don't know about dem new canister vacuums, but with this hoover, there was no getting the smell of vomit out of it. Every time we used it to vacuum, it would blow out hot vomit air and it was disgusting. It needed replacing, but we just never really had the money for it. I wanted something a bit better than my Hoover Rewind. I loved that vacuum, but it barely lasted 3 years. I wanted a Dyson, but damn those things are as expensive as... well, as a lot of expensive things.
And then, I came upon an Amazon ad selling refurbished Dysons for $191 dollars.
$191 dollars for a Dyson? I'm in!!
It took me all of 10 minutes to decide. Yes, it was refurbished. But, I also own a refurbished portable air conditioning unit that I bought at Big Lots and it still works. In fact, I would think of a refurbished unit as BETTER than one off the street because they were scrutinized and looked over. What happens when they come off the factory assembly line? Boxed up and shipped out, that's what.
I received it on Wednesday and Justin promptly vacuums up the apartment; everything but my office. I come home and it's sitting pretty in my office waiting for me to use it.
[You know you're old when you get excited about buying a vacuum and using it]

Say goodbye to the Vomittron 3000!

And say hello to my little friend!

Now, had I written this blog on that day, it would have ended here. Or maybe with a "omg the suction is awesome!". But no. I turn it on, and it doesn't suck for shit. Not little pieces of cardboard (the cat loves his clawing thing), nothing! I'm like WTF? Justin had just used it and it worked wonderfully!

I start freaking out. I contact my friend who also owns a Dyson and start asking him all kinds of questions. I notice the Dyson doesn't have a floor adjustment, and he tells me it "auto-adjusts" which doesn't seem right to me. But anyway, so that's not it. I'm checking all the connections I can see, looking for clogs, but I find nothing. Finally Justin gets a chance to look at it the next day. (At this point, I'm freaking the fuck out because the box was already gone, and it would cost money to ship it back to Amazon for a refund. Calling Dyson was still an option as it has a 6 month warranty, however, I didn't want to pay to ship it to them. Plus, this was a good deal. This deal no longer exists. The next cheapest model is a refurbished Animal for $309.)

Justin discovers with a very thorough investigation that a hose on the bottom on the unit was unhooked, and could very easily become unhooked. We're thinking this might have been the reason it was sent back in the first place. With a little duct tape we put it back into place, and it vacuums like nobody's business.

I feel so bad that I have to dump the old hoover though. I wish I could give it to the Goodwill, or donate it to someone that needs it, because considering it's from the late 80's, early 90's, it still runs perfectly fine and is a great little workhorse. But, thanks to a dumbass roommate, I'm going to have to toss it. My poor little Hoover. RIP.