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Friday, August 5, 2016

All Good Things...

Sometimes you can kind of see it coming, so it doesn't really come as a shock, but damn if it doesn't still hurt, especially when you put 1-1/2 years into the relationship and think that maybe, if you just hang in there a bit longer, it'll all work out. After all, he's a great guy, and great guys don't come along everyday, you know?

I can be loyal to a fault. I was loyal to my marriage a good long time. Probably much longer than any other person would be in my situation. I hung in there. I tried, I stressed, I hurt. He would have rather lived in the toxicity of our marriage than end it. At least David had the decency to tell me that he thought we didn't mesh. I would have hung in there and waited for him. Waited until he was finally down to a decent 8 hour shift, or until he got better days off; something. But I had already been waiting a long time. He was having difficulty making me a priority in his life; partially from the stress of everything and partially because he didn't have the feelings for me that he thought he should have by now.

David really is a decent human being. He will give you the shirt off his back. He's the most understanding person I have ever met. And he will truly listen. But, he has anger issues, and coupled with his size and strength, and kind of his general appearance, I could admit that I was a little afraid of him. Warranted or not, it actually gave me a great deal of respect for the man; something I severely lacked with Justin. And I mean that in a sense of instead of getting angry or snapping at something when he snaps at me, I back off. I might cringe a little, in fact. But I considered this healthy because if my first instinct is to defend myself and snap back, it only makes problems worse. This is how I felt.

I wanted to know who I was as a human being. Was I this angry, irritated, always nagging, always defensive person in a relationship, or was I not? Was it Justin that had turned me into this, or was this who I was? And no. Over the 1-1/2 years that we dated, I can honestly say that I am not this vicious person. It was the toxicity of the relationship that made me. I knew I could be better. I just wish I could be better with David.

I'm sad, but I'm not depressed. I kind of felt this was coming for a while. It feels as though our relationship was made with hundreds of strings woven together into a rope. And over time, each strand comes loose and falls away. And it fell away so slowly that you would barely notice, until you realized that there were only a few strands left holding the whole thing together.

We will remain friends. I made it perfectly clear that I would still be there for him if/when he needed me, and he would do the same. That's all I can really ask; to have a relationship end with no animosity, no crazy angry sprees. It may be difficult at first to stay as a friends, but like the strings, we were already almost there anyway. And that's okay.

Go Shinedown. Always giving me a song to fit every situation

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