When Good Toilets Go Bad

I seem to be reading numerous blog posts today with some kind of poop and toilet theme. I'm not sure if this is a blog hop I'm missing or what, but it brought back old memories and I figured I'd share to join in the fun!

When I was a kid, I was scared of weird toilets. Sure, I could use other people's potties if I had to, but I surely disliked it. Whenever I entered a stranger's abode, I would look all up and down and from side to side as if I was trying to avoid a murderer hiding in the corner (nowadays I do this for spiders, but I digress). I was scared to death of all white toilets that had black seats. It was like I was setting my ass on a black hole. I thought I'd be sucked in. And a completely black toilet? Yeah, forget that! For the longest time I refused to use all porta potties. I don't know about you, but I always had to look down into them first before even attempting to sit, and that never helped the situation. Sometimes I'd fear shit crawling out of them, and I don't mean that in the literal sense!

I was going to post a picture of a porta potty here.

I would HIGHLY recommend you not type that in Google image search.

I would have toilet dreams when I was younger, too. Well, more like toilet nightmares. I remember this one specifically where my mom was trying to find me a toilet to use, and we were in this big warehouse room with every kind of toilet under the sun, but like Goldilocks, none of them were right! One was too big, one was too small, one was spraying water all over the place, one was cracked and leaking; and man I had to pee bad when I woke up!

I have really bad luck with automatic toilets. They seems to like to flush when I'm sitting on them - which is totally disgusting when your butt gets washed with dirty toilet water! This isn't a bidet, people! (People with bidets are weird. I mean, I get why they're neat, but a whole separate toilet-like device taking up a chunk of real estate in a bathroom? Seems a bit dumb to me.) And they never flush once I stand up! If I can't find the button to flush it with, or if there isn't one, I'll stand in the stall like a moron wondering what my options are. Should I wave my hand all stupidly in front of the sensor? Should I sit back down? Should I just... walk out? Ew.

I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.

Ever had to use a bathroom with stalls that had no doors? I did! At a freaking wedding no less! What the heck kind of place has a bathroom with no stall doors? I stood there all nervous, looking like I was a dumb teenager about to tag the walls and didn't want anybody to catch me doing it. It took me about 15 minutes to rack up the courage to finally go to the bathroom. And oh, pro-tip: if you ever find yourself in a stall with an unlock-able door, use a wad of toilet paper to keep it closed. It seems obvious, but back in HS we had a huge number of students, and during passing periods the bathrooms would have lines out the door. And no one ever used the stall with the broken lock like it was cursed or something. There were also a number of times where a jerk would try to be funny and lock a stall door and somehow climb out so that no one else could use it. I just shrugged it off and slid underneath the stall door to get in. Now that I think about it, that's probably why I didn't have any friends. But hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go!

Did you have any weird experiences with bathrooms? Share them in the comments!

I can't even...