Day 3: Your Top 5 Pet Peeves
Dear Josh,
I wanted to start this letter by saying "Are you watching over me from Heaven?" But being agnostic, it's hard for me to accept or believe that. I don't find comfort in any of it. I remember only a few days after you died, the only thing that made any sense to me was to take a walk at night on my parent's property where the stars were brightly shining, and talk to the heavens as if you could hear me. It was cathartic, even though I didn't believe that you could actually hear anything I said. I remember that I believed you to be a ghost that was hanging around with unfinished business, because that seemed a lot more feasible to me and gave me an excuse to have conversations with you.
I still miss you. I think about you almost every damn day. I wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't been such an idiot and just taken you to the ER when you were sick. I still feel guilty about my choices and how you suffered needlessly. It's been 14 years and I don't think I'll ever be able to let that go. It has become a part of me and my being, and it has helped me sharpen my focus on others.
I do sometimes wonder if you're aware of my happiness, or worry about my future. As logical and scientific as I am, it would be nice to know that your consciousness didn't just fade into the ether. I want you to know that you no longer have to worry about either.
We both believed that we were meant for each other; that we were soulmates. The things we had in common were staggering. We even had the same thoughts at the same time. Our histories were similar, which garnered similar personalities. When you died, I was convinced that I would never find someone as good as you. Someone who could love me just the way I was; with my quirks and all. If you were at all aware of my existence after you passed away, I am certain you were concerned regarding my choices after you died. I've been through some things that were painful, but I've chocked them up to life experience. I had to go through some bumps in the road, but I believe I have finally found what I was seeking.
Josh, I have found your equal. I never thought it would even be possible. It's the knowing. The knowing that I have found my match, my partner, my Number One, despite only having known him for a short while. The connection I feel is remarkable. It is like nothing I have felt with anyone else since your death. Every other love felt forced. This feels 100% natural; as easy as breathing, just as it was with you.
I've never been this happy. He treats me right, Josh. Just know that even though you are no longer here with me, I'm still being taken care of. I will never stop loving you, but I have made room in my heart for another, and I know you would approve.
Rest in Peace, my Joshie.
Love,
Kat
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