Love Languages

I'd heard about this off and on for a few years and have always been curious about reading the book but never picked it up. I'd done the quiz and read the synopsis version of what the Love Languages are, but now that I'm finished with the book I'd like to share my thoughts.

I'd gotten the book from Patrick (I know!) who had read it himself many years ago. I think this guy is pretty legit. The information I'm reading I bet would help many people in their relationships. I think it might have even helped me with Justin had I known about it back then.

So, in summary, there are 5 love languages (and many dialects of those languages):

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Receiving Gifts

4. Acts of Service

5. Physical Touch

To determine your primary language (you can have a secondary, or more than one [considered bilingual]) you can do a couple of things. You can take the quiz, or determine what would be most detrimental to you if it was removed from your relationship with your spouse.

Words of Affirmation includes things like "you're so amazing" or "I love it when you ___", or giving encouragement and positive words to your spouse.

Quality Time includes things like 20 minutes of uninterrupted conversation, going on trips together, or planning activities together.

Receiving Gifts [is not as selfish as it sounds] states: "the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you". It could be a physical gift that your spouse buys, but it could also be something they've made that costs nothing. It could also be little gestures like visiting them at work.

Acts of Service is harder to differentiate for me with gifts, especially because Patrick and I don't live together. But he has done sweet things like taking out my trash or washing my dishes. This is according to the book: "Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: "Let me do that for you."

Physical Touch doesn't just mean sexual intimacy. Physical touch includes everything from hugging and kissing to small squeezes of the hand and cuddling during a movie.

The book states that if you have trouble determining your Primary Language it might be because your "Love Tank" is already full to the brim and has been so for a long time, or it has been empty for so long that you don't even know what could make you feel loved.

I believe I am bilingual. My Primary language is Quality Time. It is very important to me that Patrick and I spend lots of time together, even if only to watch a movie. We've gone on day trips, taken walks and hikes, and even do our shopping together sometimes. Quality Conversation is a dialect of Quality Time and is also very important to me considering I am an introvert and prefer deep, stimulating conversations as opposed to superficial fluff. It hurts me considerably when he changes plans on me and can't come over or do the things we wanted to do. Even though they are legitimate excuses and I am not angry at him over them (he does have a life outside of mine, believe it or not!) I still feel sad that we are not getting quality time.

My other Love Language that I feel is equally as important is Physical Touch. And I have really only determined this by using the "how would you feel without it?" question. As Patrick and I are both "touchers", I could only imagine what it would be like if he stopped doing that completely. I would probably feel completely rejected and ignored and unloved.

My quiz results

All of the Love Languages are important and all of them can and should be used. But some are more important to you than others. Some you can spend weeks without. Like, I don't need gifts from Patrick to know that he loves me. I feel as if his gift to me is his time and attention. But of course a small token of affection on occasion would never be turned down. Same with Acts of Service. I don't ask him to do things for me. I'm pretty self sufficient. I don't feel like he needs to prove his love by "relinquishing my burden", yet it certainly is nice sometimes.

In the book it also states that chances are pretty good that if you speak a certain love language well, then that is probably the one you like to receive the most also. Patrick and I both think that his is Words of Affirmation. He is really amazing with words and will constantly tell me how much he loves and appreciates me. Unfortunately for me, this dialect is the hardest for me to speak so I will have to try extra hard to make sure that he knows how much I love and appreciate him. Although I generally show this in other ways (He loves my small gestures of affection (under the "receiving gifts" language) which is easier for me to express towards him), I will need to learn to either speak it verbally or give him love notes in order to make sure his love tank remains at capacity. 

What about you? Have you read the book or done the quiz? What is your primary love language? Let me know in the comments!