It shouldn't hurt this much, I suppose, but I'm not surprised that it does. Derek and I broke up. It was a semi-mutual agreement that sucked for both of us. I say semi-mutual because neither one of us wanted to end it, but the distance was too great. From Tacoma to Everett, which is about 1hr 10 minutes when there's no traffic, was just too much of a hurdle, both time-wise and financially. It was basically like having a long distance relationship, especially with his constantly busy schedule. We barely saw each other once a week sometimes.
I was planning a road trip for this weekend. It was going to be a turning point in our relationship and we both knew it. We were hoping for it. We had decided that this was what our relationship needed in order to develop those deep, emotional feelings. We had been on "casual" status for the last 3 months; Derek not willing to commit fully when we had such a great distance between us and we barely knew each other.
So Derek calls me up Sunday night, fully intending on just talking about the trip and other random things, but the conversation turned to "how are we going to do this?" We'd both already thought long and hard about it. Derek could ride the train. I could drive up there on weekdays. We went through it all. But in the end, we knew it wasn't going to be enough. Derek's lease was up in March, mine in April. But neither one of us were willing to budge about moving so much closer. Derek's family, and his friends (which, being a full-on extrovert means just as much to him as family. It's his identity.) were up in Everett. He worked in Seattle. And I had the same issues, plus a mark on my rental history that made it harder to find another place. Logically, we knew we couldn't keep doing this, even though our hearts were screaming for it not to end.
He even told me that if I wanted, we could still do the road trip. Because I had planned so long and hard, and we were both looking forward to it. And my heart was jumping at it. But we both knew that in the end, it would just make things harder; and with "the end is near" looming over our heads, how much fun could we really have, knowing that we would spend this time and then never see each other again?
Leave it to Derek to be so incredibly sweet even when breaking up with me. He told me how great I was, and how I deserve better. That I deserve a boyfriend that will be there for me when I needed him. He told me that I was wonderful girlfriend material, and coming from him that really meant something. He said that he knew I would find somebody quickly, somebody that lived closer and could be there for me.
And I'm not angry. Yes, 3 months is a long time to "string me along" but that was never his intention. After all, I could have ended it just as easily. At first he'd really thought we could do this. And for a while, we were just having fun and enjoying each other company. But he knew that nothing would change even as our feelings grew, and that would just make things harder on us in the end.
The first thing that comes to mind is to thank him. Derek opened up my world; opened up my mind. Gave me insight into myself and cracked my shell wide open. Showed me things I never even knew were possible. God, he was so funny, just by being himself. He never even tried to, but he made me laugh. That I will miss the most. He wasn't perfect by any means, and maybe I was looking at things through rose-colored glasses. There was a good chance it wouldn't have lasted anyway, so it was good to end things now rather than later.
That doesn't make it hurt any less.